The following comes to you courtesy of our cat, Hekyl, who asked he be given an opportunity to share his grievances. We are fair-minded people and are trying to avoid a lawsuit so we’re giving Hekyl an opportunity to share his side of the story.
It has been a week of sheer torture for me. Last Monday I overheard the authorities, Jerry and Charlotte, discuss how they would spend their 52nd anniversary. He said “let’s go to lunch someplace special”, and she said, “That’s fine, but we need to work around the cats’ schedule”. Before I knew what hit me, the authorities stuffed me and my brother Jekyl into these little black cases and zipped us in. Then they put us into this thing called a car that made a lot of noise and moved at a rapid speed. Brother and I howled the entire way to this place called the vet which is not to be confused with Authority Jerry who is a veteran of the U.S.Navy, of which he is very proud. At the vet’s office, some lady poked and prodded our bodies, forced open our mouths and almost made us puke has she poked around our tongue and teeth. Then she brought out this long needle thing and shoved it into our buns. She said something about it being a rabies shot. Then we were stuffed back into the carriers and put into the car. We howled all the way home. We were so relieved to be back in the safety of our room with our kitty condo and our poo poo box.
You simply will not believe what happened the following morning. The authorities stuffed me back into that case, zipped me in, and tossed me into the backseat of the car. Down the road we went, all the while I was howling at the top of my lungs. Authority Charlotte had the unmitigated gall to tell me to be calm, it was going to be all right and that she loved me. Yeah, right. This is how you treat someone you love? Well, I certainly am glad you don’t hate me, Mrs Authority. When the car finally stopped, Authority Jerry carried me into this building where there were dogs. I wasn’t used to being around these loud, obnoxious, smelly, drooling creatures, and it totally freaked me out. I again howled to the best of my ability and cried like a newborn baby, but it did no good because the authorities let some strange woman I had never seen before whisk me off to the back room where I suffered the greatest humiliation of my life. I was given a bath, shaved, trimmed and had my nails clipped. I thought the torture would never end, but the authorities finally rescued me after four hours of persecution. I was so traumatized and exhausted I didn’t even cry on the way home. Back to the safety (or so I hoped) of my home, utter chaos ensued because my own brother, my womb mate and so-called best friend didn’t recognize me. He bared his teeth, laid back his ears and hissed like a banshee. It has now been a week, and my brother is still terrorizing me. He chases me away from the food dish, off the authorities’ bed, and even tries to force me away from all three of our kitty trees. He is ruthless. He is evil. I cannot believe we are brothers from the same mother. Where did I go wrong? I am thinking perhaps a lawsuit would be justified. I could sue the authorities as well as my womb mate. I have heard the authorities say many times our society is too litigious. I will show them litigious. I want revenge. Please, anyone reading this, help me out of this deplorable situation. I am half naked since they let that woman shave off most of my luxurious long hair just because it had become matted. Perhaps I will be more cooperative in the future when they attempt to brush me. But now, after a full week, my brother still doesn’t recognize me. Maybe he’s just faking it and is attempting to lord it over me that he has a thick, luxurious coat and I look like a skinned rat. Help me out, folks.
The name of a good attorney, please. Seriously!!!